HOME SWEET HOME-TOMMY LEE

I THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW WHICH SONG I WAS LISTENING TO. YOU LOVE MUSIC.

I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD LIKE SOME HAPPIER NEWS…SORRY FOR THAT. WELL, IF I COULD BE SORRY I WOULD BE. I THOUGHT I CAME HERE FOR SOME KIND OF EPIC LOVE STORY, AND I GUESS I FOUND IT…ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I DIDN´T REALLY EXPECT TO FIND LOVE FOR A COUNTRY, OR A PEOPLE…BUT THAT`S HOW IT HAPPENED. WATCHING THIS PLACE CRASH AND ASH…IT’S JUST LIKE WATCHING SOMEONE YOU LOVE TAKE THE WRONG WIGGLY-WOBBLY STEPS IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

AND THIS PLACE…THE NEWS GETS WORSE EVERY DAY. ARTICLES ABOUT NATIONALIZED OIL, FRENCH PRESIDENTS WHO DON’T THINK WE WILL MAKE IT…GOVERMENT BANK BAILOUTS…IT’S ALL GOING DOWN. I’D SAY LIKE THE TITANIC, BUT MORE LIKE THE LUSITANIA…LITTLE COMPARTMENTALIZED BURSTS THAT BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN GIANT. THE “WHOLE ENCHILADA” MY DAD WOULD ALWAYS SAY. NOT WITH ICE, BUT WITH FIRE AND NO SURE SUSPECT TO BLAME WITHOUT THE HELP OF SUGGESTIONS. IN TWENTY YEARS WE WILL ALL LOOK BACK AND WONDER QUITE HOW IT WENT SO WRONG. SOMETHING ABOUT THE HOUSING BUBBLE…SOME PISS LIKE THAT.

SOME AMOUNT OF DENIAL IS NECESSARY FOR DAILY LIVING. BRUSH TEETH-DON’T THINK ABOUT ECONOMY. BRAID HAIR, THICK PLAITS-DON’T THINK ABOUT THE HOMELESS PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE ON YOUR WAY TO THE METRO. PICK JEANS ( NOT BLUE JEANS, TOO AMERICAN) AND TRY TO STEER YOUR THOUGHTS CLEAR OF THE BAKERY THAT YOU USED TO LOVE…THE ONE WHERE THE OWNER WAS SO KIND TO YOU THAT YOU KEPT RETURNING…IT’S CLOSED NOW. GRAB WALLET-NO STRIKE TODAY, SO YOU CAN GO TO WORK WITHOUT ANY DANGER. COME HOME, SKYPE FAMILY-IGNORE POPS AND GROANS OF FIRE IN TRASHCANS AND EXPLODING TIRES FROM ANGRY PROTESTORS. SLEEP. ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS. YOU ARE IN SPAIN AFTER ALL…

EVEN FALLING CAN FEEL LIKE FLYING WITH THE PROPER AMOUNT OF DENIAL.

YOU WOULDN’T WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BROTHER OR SISTER IN THE GRIPS OF AN ILLNESS, SO HOW CAN YOU WALK AWAY FROM A PLACE.

BUT THAT’S WHAT WE WILL DO, THE EXPATRIOTS OF SPAIN. SORRY KIDLETS, BUT THE COUNTRY YOU CHOSE DID NOT CHOOSE YOU, NOR DID IT CHOOSE THE CRISIS. AND IF YOU’RE AMERICAN, YOU CAN ALWAYS RETURN TO THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY. A WORD THAT BECAME MORE FOREIGN HERE IN THE LAST FEW YEARS AS “RECESSION” AND “UNREST” BECAME MORE FAMILIAR.

THERE IS NOTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL ON THIS POLLUTED EARTH TO ME THAN RETIRO, THAN THE METROPOLIS DOME, BUT EVEN PRETTY WOMEN GET SICK AND REGURGITATE…AND THAT’S PRECISELY WHAT THIS HAVEN WILL DO.

I NEVER TOLD ANYONE WHY I MOVED OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. YOUR LITTLE CASTLE THAT WE SHARED TOGETHER IN THE DRY SUBURB OF POZUELO. NO, NEVER TOLD A SOUL. WHAT I SAW, WHAT WE SHARED…IT WAS MORE INTIMATE THAN SEX AND MURDER. NOT A SOUL MY DOLLY. THAT IMAGE WILL RIDE THIS VESSEL ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE LAND OF OUR OPTIMISTIC IMMIGRANT ANCESTORS. DON’T YOU FRET SWEETHEART, CARINO. I CAN CARRY IT.

BUT CAN YOU?

CIBELES

NO, NO. I DID NOT GO TO CIBELES LAST NIGHT. NO NEED FOR THE RIOTS AND THE BULLSHIT AND THE COPS WITH THEIR BIG STICKS. I RIOTED ON MY OWN.

YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE FUTBOL? WHY I FIND IT SO LOVELY AND ENJOYABLE? CAUSE I KNOW YOU’D NEVER MISS A GAME. FOR 90+ MINUTES I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AND EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE SEEING. I DIDN’T REALIZE THAT TILL LAST NIGHT.

I THINK I’D BE FINE IF I COULD JUST STOP HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT YOU. AND IF YOU READ THIS DON’T YOU DARE CALL. I GOT YOUR TEXT’S THE OTHER DAY, I JUST NEED TO RELAX AND BE CALM FOR A WHILE…AND I CAN’T DO THAT WITH YOU. MAYBE NOT RIGHT NOW OR MAYBE NOT EVER, BUT IT’S FOR ME TO DECIDE.

A NIGHT STAND, BARGAINING

ACCORDING TO GRIEF COUNSELORS, THE THIRD STEP OF THE PROCESS IS BARGAINING. IT MAY NOT SOUND LIKE IT, BUT THIS IS THE MOST DEPRAVED, HORRIBLE, LOATHSOME ONE OF ALL FIVE STEPS. ANGER WAS UGLY. I HATED THE WORLD AND MYSELF, AND NATURALLY THE ASSHAT WHO MADE ME SO UNHAPPY. DENIAL WAS SAD. I FELT LIKE AN ONLOOKER…THE WAY I KEPT TELLING MYSELF EVERYTHING WAS FINE…THE WAY I KEPT TELLING MYSELF IT WASN’T POSSIBLE THAT JOSE AND I WERE OVER…I KNEW I WAS LYING, AND THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES SEEM TO DO THE MOST DAMAGE DON’T THEY?

BUT NOTHING BEATS A BARGAIN.

THE CONSTANT INTERNAL DIALOGUE…THE JIBBER JABBER BACK AND FORTH WITH THE ANGEL ON ONE SHOULDER AND THE DEVIL ON THE OTHER… I FIND MYSELF LOOKING AT MY POSSESSIONS THINKING:I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP FOR ANOTHER SHOT. THIS TIME I’LL TRY HARDER. HE CAN BE DIFFERENT. I FOUND MYSELF NOTICING HOW MUCH DIDN’T MATTER TO ME COMPARED TO HIM. THE PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES, THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT. WE KNOW THIS, BUT DO WE REALLY THINK ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS AS OFTEN AS WE SHOULD?

I MET A REALLY NICE GUY LAST NIGHT. SURE, I MEET NICE GUYS EVERY DAY, BUT THIS ONE WAS KIND. HE WAS A GOOD ONE. WHAT DID I DO? OH I FUCKED IT UP THE WAY A GOOD BENDER DICTATES THAT A PERSON SHOULD. WE DID THE ONE NIGHT STAND THING. HE ASKED TO SEE ME AGAIN, FOR MY NUMBER, BLAH BLAH. 

IN BED, CHATTING WITH HIM ABOUT WHO HE WAS AND HIS STORY, I WAS CHARMED. LAST NIGHT I HAD TWO NIGHT STANDS IN MY ROOM. I HAD ONE TO CARRY MY LAMP AND BOOKS, AND THE OTHER TO CARRY MY UGLY BREAKUP WOES. THEY ARE SO USEFUL, NIGHT STANDS. I WONDER WHY THEY GET SUCH A BAD REPUTATION. THEY HOLD THINGS FOR US, FAR ENOUGH THAT WE AREN’T BOTHERED, BUT CLOSE ENOUGH THAT WE CAN REACH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND TAKE WHAT WE NEED.

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE RARE STRANGERS THAT YOU SWEAR YOU’VE KNOWN FOREVER. READER, I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN DATING HIM FOR YEARS. I’VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE THAT. PERHAPS FRIENDS, BUT NOT DATES, NOT BOYFRIENDS, AND CERTAINLY NOT RANDOM SPANISH MEN. IT WAS NICE. COMFORTING IN THE WAY IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN. 

FOR A FEW MOMENTS MY BARGAINING STOPPED. I STOPPED THINKING OF ALL THE THINGS I WOULD TRADE FOR A PHONE CALL OR A VISIT. I WAS FREED FROM THE CONSTANT TOSS AND TURN OF MY PRIORITIES.

AND THIS MORNING, WHEN WE WOKE UP AND HE LEFT…I FOUND MYSELF WANTING TO THANK BOTH NIGHT STANDS, THE ONE MADE OF METAL AND THE ONE MADE OF GENTLEMAN. EACH ONE HELD ON TO SOMETHING THAT I DIDN’T HAVE THE HANDS FOR LAST NIGHT, AND FOR THAT I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

IF HE REALLY DOES CONTACT ME, I’LL ANSWER. I’D BE GLAD. IF WE BECOME FRIENDS I’LL ALWAYS CALL HIM MY NIGHTSTAND, NOT TO HIS FACE OF COURSE…HE WOULDN’T GET IT, BUT IN MY OWN WAY, I WOULD BE PAYING HIM A HUGE COMPLIMENT.

AND THERE’S THAT FEELING AGAIN. I’D GIVE IT ALL, I’D DO IT ALL. I WOULD RISK EVERYTHING JUST TO HAVE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY. IF I COULD ONLY GET THE CHANCE, I’D DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FIX ALL THAT’S BROKEN.

PATHETIC ISN’T IT? HOPEFULLY WHEN STEP FOUR COMES, I’LL FEEL BETTER.

MEET MY FATHER…AND HIS COW.

I’M GONNA TAKE A BREAK FROM MY STEPS-OF-GRIEF THERAPY TO LOOK AT THINGS FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE…WELL, I GUESS IT’S THE ONLY ANGLE REALLY. AFTER YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WHICH END THE SAME WAY, I SUPPOSE IT’S GOOD TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PATTERN STARTS AND WHERE IT SHOULD END.

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT MY FATHER…AND HIS COW. WELL, THE COW IN A MOMENT. 

I DIDN’T HAVE A NORMAL CHILDHOOD. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT MY CHILDHOOD WAS NOT LOVELY, IT SIMPLY WAS NOT NORMAL. I HEAR NORMAL IS OVERRATED, SO I GUESS THAT’S OK. SEE, WHEN YOU’RE A KID, EVERYTHING IS NORMAL UNTIL THAT ONE DAY WHEN YOU HAVE DINNER AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE, OR THAT ONE DAY WHEN IT’S BRING-YOUR-FATHER-TO-SCHOOL-DAY…OR THE TIME IT WAS TAKE-YOUR-DAUGHTER-TO-WORK-DAY…OR THE TIME WHEN YOU WERE EIGHT AND YOUR DAD TAUGHT YOU HOW TO SHOOT AN M16 ON A TRIPOD AT A BALLOON FILLED WITH GLITTER 30 METERS AWAY.

EVERY FAMILY HAS SECRETS. OURS JUST HAD SOME REALLY COOL SECRETS. YEAH, WE HAD UNCOOL ONES TOO, BUT…MOSTLY THEY WERE PRETTY BAD ASS.

MY SISTER SAID TOLD ME ONCE THAT DAD PARKED THE CAR IN SOME RANDOM ALLEY SO HE COULD SHIMMY UP A TELEPHONE POLE AND ATTACH SOMETHING, THEN HE TOOK HER FOR ICE CREAM…SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AFTER HER STORY, TELEPHONE REPAIR MAN SEEMED TO ANSWER A BUNCH OF OUR QUESTIONS.

I WAS A BIT SKEPTICAL CAUSE HE COULD NEVER FIX OUR PHONE. HE WOULD JUST CURSE AT IT WHEN IT DIDN’T WORK…I COULDN’T IMAGINE ANYONE PAYING HIM TO DO THE SAME TO THEIR HANDSET. STILL, I DIDN’T HAVE AN ALTERNATIVE THEORY, SO I WAS LEFT TO HERS. I BRIEFLY DABBLED WITH THE IDEA THAT HE WAS A CRIMINAL, BUT HE WAS SO STRAIGHT-LACED, I GAVE UP THAT IDEA PRETTY FAST.

MUM WAS ALWAYS SAYING TO ME THAT I HAD A BIG MOUTH AND THAT I SHOULDN’T EVER TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT MY DAD. IF THAT GORILLA WENCH ONLY KNEW THAT I HAD NO CLUE. 

MY FRIEND SPENCER SAID THAT MY DAD MIGHT BE SANTA CAUSE HE THOUGHT HIS DAD WAS SANTA…BUT MY SISTER TOLD ME SANTA WASN’T REAL, SO I KNEW THAT WASN’T POSSIBLE.

HE WOULD DISAPPEAR SOMETIMES. HE ALWAYS CAME BACK WITH STRANGE THINGS. FOUND A CHEST OF MONEY FROM FOREIGN COUNTRIES ONCE…ALSO, MY BROTHER SAID THAT DAD BROUGHT HIM A CAMEL SADDLE. I KNEW WE DIDN’T HAVE CAMELS IN L.A. SO I THOUGHT MAYBE HE HAD GONE TO A DIFFERENT STATE. I WAS SUSPICIOUS, BUT I COULDN’T THINK OF A DAMN THING. I WAS JEALOUS YOU KNOW…OF ALL THE KIDS WITH POST OFFICE FATHERS, OR BANK TELLER FATHERS. DADS WHO OWNED RESTAURANTS OR CAR REPAIR SHOPS. I’M SURE I EVEN BITCHED ABOUT IT ONCE OR TWICE, AND I’M SURE IT KILLED MY DAD A LITTLE BIT EVERY TIME.

YEARS LATER I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT A SECRET AGENT WAS, AND IT ALL CAME TOGETHER. I COULD NEVER BELIEVE THAT MY FATHER, THE MAN WHO TAUGHT ME TO TIE MY SHOELACES, WAS AN AGENT. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD TAKE DOWN SCARY GROUPS OF MEN AND YET COULD NEVER GIVE ME A PROPER FRENCH BRAID. THIS WAS THE GUY WHO WROTE “I LOVE YOU” ON NAPKINS FOR MY SACK LUNCH UNTIL I WAS SEVEN. HE USED TO WALK US TO SCHOOL FOR SHIT’S SAKE…AGENT? THAT WAS WHEN I WAS A KID.

NOW THAT I’M HAVING RELATIONSHIPS OF MY OWN, THE FIRST EXAMPLE I HAVE SEEN OF WHAT A COUPLE IS LIKE IS FINALLY STARTING TO SHOW IT’S EFFECTS. FOR EXAMPLE, I FREAK OUT WHEN PEOPLE DISAPPEAR, EVEN FOR A BIT. I FREAK OUT WHEN THEY HAVE SECRETS. I ALWAYS EXPECT THAT THEY ARE HIDING SOMETHING.

BUT THE SCARIEST THING OF ALL? I’M ALWAYS WONDERING IF THEIR LIVES WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT ME. IT’S A NAGGING FEAR THAT A 23 YEAR-OLD SHOULD NEVER HAVE, AND YET IT’S THERE. DID I WEIGHT MY DAD DOWN? DID MY SIBLINGS? DID MY MUM? ONCE HE PASSED UP AN OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE TO EUROPE BECAUSE MY SISTER AND I REFUSED TO GO. 

HOLDING SOMEONE BACK, THE SECRETS, THE ABANDONMENT CRAZE, DID ANY OF THAT COME FROM HIM? 

SOME OF IT, PROBABLY. NOT ALL. I’M SURE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE HAD A ROLE. I’M SURE MY OWN THOUGHTS HAD AN EVEN BIGGER PART. THOUGH IT IS STILL THERE. 

HE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GOOD QUALITIES I LIKE IN PEOPLE TOO. THE PROTECTIVENESS AND THE AWESOME STORYTELLING, THOSE ARE THE TWO THAT STICK OUT. I GUESS WITH OUR PARENTS, SINCE THEY ARE OUR FIRST EXAMPLE WE HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD AND THE BAD. THE FIRST ATTEMPT IS ALWAYS SHAKY RIGHT? 

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I’M DAMN GLAD I’M NOT A BOY OR A LESBIAN. GOD NOR SATAN KNOWS WHAT PROBLEMS MY MUM WOULD HAVE LEFT ME WITH IN THE DATING REALM.

OH THE COW? WELL, I GUESS I’LL EXPLAIN LATER. I’VE GOT TO SKYPE MY SISTER AND TELL HER ABOUT THE CRAZY CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH MY DAD. SHE WILL NEVER BELIEVE SOME OF THE LITTLE TRUTHS WE NEVER KNEW.

ANGER,STEP 2

IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN YOU CAN FUCK OFF. IT IS MY DIARY YOU KNOW. IF YOU FOUND IT, YOU WERE UNLUCKY OR CURIOUS. SORRY FOR THAT. 

JOSE…IF YOU’RE SEEING THIS….I WENT OUT TONIGHT WITH FRIENDS. I CAME HOME ALONE, DON’T YOU WORRY. TODAY IS THE DAY OF YOUR MOTHER’S DEATH. IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR. WORRY ABOUT THAT. OR WORRY BECAUSE I HAVEN’T MISSED YOU AS MUCH AS WE BOTH THOUGHT I WOULD. I’M STRANGELY OK. THE TRUTH IS, I SUPPOSE AFTER A WHILE I ADDED MORE TO YOUR LIFE THAN YOU ADDED TO MINE. I’LL MISS BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING. I’LL MISS THE LOVELY DINNERS AND CHOCOLATES YOU ALWAYS HAD FOR MY ROOM MATES AND I…BUT I AM OK.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW…WHY DID YOU ALWAYS DISAPPEAR? WHERE DID YOU GO TO? SEE, I CHECKED YOUR PHONE. I’M NOT PROUD OF IT BUT I DID IT. I SAW THE OTHER GIRLS WHO WROTE TO YOU. I SAW WHAT YOU WROTE BACK…THAT YOU WERE WITH SOMEONE. THAT YOU WERE WITH THE PERSON WHO WOULD HAVE YOUR CHILDREN AND BE YOUR WIFE. I SAW THAT YOU TOLD THEM TO LEAVE YOU ALONE. SO IF YOU DIDN’T DISAPPEAR TO OTHER GIRLS, WHERE DID YOU GO ALL THOSE TIMES?  IF YOU HAD JUST ANSWERED THE DAMN PHONE…IF YOU HAD JUST SENT A SIMPLE TEXT I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. 

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WAS IT WORTH IT? I WENT OUT WITH ONE OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS TONIGHT. SHE SAID YOU MISSED ME, SAID YOU WERE A MESS. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? 

IN THE END, IT ISN’T COMMITMENT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH-IT’S INVESTMENT. SEE, IN MY LIFE, I HAVE LEARNED NOT TO INVEST TOO MUCH. EVERYTHING FOR ME WAS ALWAYS TEMPORARY. WHERE WE LIVED, WHO MY FRIENDS WERE, THE CLUBS I HAD JOINED…ALL TEMPORARY. SO AFTER SOME TIME I DECIDED THAT ANY INVESTMENT WAS A BAD ONE. I NEVER HAD TIME TO SEE THE RETURN. 

BUT I INVESTED TIME IN YOU. NOW WHAT? EVERY TIME I NEEDED YOU AND YOU DIDN’T ANSWER, WHEN YOU DIDN’T COME OVER. THE NIGHTS I WAITED AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEND ME A TEXT TO LET ME KNOW YOU WEREN’T GONNA VISIT…WAS IT ALL WORTH IT IF YOU’RE ALONE? 

GOOD LUCK FINDING A PERSON AS PATIENT AND AS KIND AS I WAS. GOOD LUCK FINDING SOMEONE WHO DID THE THINGS I DID FOR YOU. LUCKILY FOR ME THERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE. THERE’S NO END TO DUMB MEN WHO WANT TO FIX AND RESCUE A DUMB GIRL FROM THE STATES. CAN YOU SAY THE SAME? 

WHEN YOUR PARENTS DIED…YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THREE FUNERALS. YOU FORGOT TO INCLUDE ONE FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE A DIFFERENT MAN NOW. A BOY EVEN, YOU’RE GONE. EVERYONE WHO KNEW AND LOVED YOU…THEY GAVE UP. YES, EVEN OSCAR. MR. PERFECT. THE GOLDEN ONE, HE GAVE UP ON YOU TOO. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN CALLING ME. NO, I HAVEN’T ANSWERED YET, BUT HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE BEFORE I DO?

I SUPPOSE IT’S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. ANOTHER MAN’S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN’S GOLD. JOSE…DID YOU THINK YOUR FRIEND OSCAR WAS BLIND? DID YOU THINK I WAS?

NO. OF COURSE NOT. DIDN’T THINK YOU DID.

OH NO, I’M NOT LEAVING MADRID SO FAST. YOU AND I WILL HAVE TO SHARE THIS CITY. SEE, I LOVED SPAIN BEFORE I LOVED YOU. IT IS AS MUCH MINE AS IT IS YOURS, AND I WORKED HARDER FOR IT. SO SUCK IT. I’M STAYING, AND IF YOU SEE ME AROUND DON’T BE SURPRISED IF I LOOK JUST FINE.

DENIAL

IN MADRID, THE WAY YOU EAT SAYS EVERYTHING. WHO YOU EAT WITH, WHERE, HOW MUCH, HOW LONG, WHAT TIME, AND WHAT. SEE, ENJOYING FOOD HERE IS A SYMBOL OF A GOOD LIFE. IF YOU ARE EATING DINNER WITH YOUR FAMILY, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING VERY RIGHT. IF YOU’RE HAVING DINNER WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, THE CITY SALUTES YOUR CHARMING ROMANCE. EAT WELL AND LONG TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW HAPPY YOU ARE. EAT THREE SMALL COURSES SO YOU CAN BIDE AND SAVOR YOUR TIME AND COMPANY.

SO WALKING INTO BURGER KING AT 10:00 PM MADE ME A LITTLE SAD. EACH GRAY TABLE WAS POCKED WITH SINGLE PEOPLE. SINGLE OLD PEOPLE, YOUNG PEOPLE, AND BUSINESS PEOPLE WHO WERE ONCE YOUNG…AND WILL SOON BECOME OLD AND SINGLE. THE MUSIC WAS RIDICULOUSLY FAST PACED COMPARED TO THE SHORT RELUCTANT MOVEMENTS OF THE DINERS. THIS IS WHERE THE MISMATCHED SOCKS GO.

CAN YOU BLAME THEM? WALK INTO ANY RESTAURANT IN MADRID AND ASK FOR A TABLE FOR ONE…THE HOST WILL LOOK AT YOU WITH SADNESS AND CURIOSITY, JUDGEMENT AND HOPE. AT BURGER KING, NO ONE CARES BECAUSE EVERYONE’S THE SAME. FOR ONE CREEPY MOMENT I WONDERED IF ALL OF THE CUSTOMERS KNEW EACH OTHER.

WHEN THEY LOOKED AT ME I WANTED TO TELL THEM THEY WERE WRONG. I WANTED TO TELL THEM THAT IT WAS JUST TEMPORARY. I DID HAVE SOMEONE TO HAVE DINNER WITH, WE COOKED AND KISSED JUST A WEEK OR SO AGO. I FELT LIKE LADY WHEN SHE IS STUCK IN THE POUND BECAUSE OF THE TRAMP AND DOESN’T BELONG. I FELT LIKE A SNOBBY OLD WOMAN CAUGHT RED-HANDED AT A PAWN SHOP.

SOMETIMES I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME IF I’M OK BECAUSE I’M FINE. OTHER TIMES I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I’M GONNA BE FINE CAUSE I’M NOT OK AT ALL.

THEY SAY THERE ARE FIVE STAGES TO GRIEF IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I SUPPOSE I’M STUCK AT STAGE ONE CAUSE I KEEP THINKING THAT JOSE BIGHEAD AND I HAVE WORKED THROUGH SO MUCH…WE CAN WORK THROUGH THIS TOO. IT WILL BE FINE. HE HAS ALWAYS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED ME. HE’S ALWAYS MADE THINGS BETTER. BUT IF I REALLY BELIEVED THAT, I GUESS I WOULDN’T BE CRYING SO MUCH. I WOULDN’T HAVE JOINED THE BURGER KING CLUB SO QUICKLY.

THE BENDER METHOD

WELL I DID IT. MY BENDER PART 1. OR PART SOMETHING ELSE IF YOU COUNT THE OTHER TIMES I’VE TRIED THE BENDER METHOD. WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING I FELT LIKE HELL. IT WASN’T A HANGOVER. IT WAS…THIS FEELING I HAVEN’T HAD IN A  FEW MONTHS. THAT JOSE-IS-GONE FEELING.

AND I GOT TO THINKING, MAYBE IT ISN’T HIM. IT’S JUST ME, ALWAYS WEARING MY BLACK LITTLE HEART ON MY TINY PINK LACE SLEEVE. I EVEN GOT TO TELLING MYSELF THAT IT WASN’T ANYONE’S FAULT. NADIE TIENE LA CULPA. BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE.

AND I WANTED TO CALL HIM SO DAMN BAD…NEEDED TO. THE ONLY REASON I DIDN’T IS BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULDN’T ANSWER. THEN, JUST KNOWING THAT MADE ME FEEL MUCH WORSE.

I TOLD MYSELF I COULD WAIT, I COULD FIND A GOOD EXIT STRATEGY FOR MADRID AND JUST LEAVE WHEN I’M READY. NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER MOMENT. I WANT TO GET OUT SO FAST. I WANT TO PUT AS MUCH DISTANCE BETWEEN THIS PLACE AND MYSELF AS I CAN IMMEDIATELY. IT’S NOT ONLY MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JOSE THAT CAN’T HAPPEN, IT’S MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PLACE THAT CAN’T HAPPEN AS WELL. IT WILL NEVER WORK BETWEEN THE THREE OF US. SOMETIMES THEY SAY THAT YOU HAVE TO CUT YOUR LOSSES. I NEVER KNEW THAT IT WOULD MEAN CUTTING OFF LITTLE PIECES OF MYSELF AS WELL.

I SUPPOSE READER, THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO GIVE UP. REMEMBER HOW I ALWAYS SAID THAT I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO STAY HERE? I LIED. I WON’T…CAN’T DO ANYTHING ELSE. I GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR THIS PLACE, AND FOR THAT SHORT MAN. NEITHER GAVE ME ANYTHING BACK, AND IF THEY DID, HOPEFULLY I’LL SEE IT IN A FEW YEARS…AND HOPEFULLY IT WAS SOMETHING GOOD.

OH, LAST NIGHT? YEAH. IT WAS OK. THERE WAS A SURPRISE FLAMENCO SHOW AT THE PARTY. SOMEHOW IT REMINDED ME OF HOW VIOLENT I FELT INSIDE. THE SPANISH GUITAR MADE ME WANT TO CRY. I BROUGHT THE GUY HOME, THEN HAD TO SEND HIM BACK TO HIS HOME. HE JUST DIDN’T FIT WITH MY LIFE, EVEN MY TEMPORARY ONE. I GUESS THAT DOESN’T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE, BUT IT MAKES SENSE TO ME. SORRY I COULDN’T EXPLAIN IT BETTER.

HOUSE OF THE RISING SON

IT’S FUNNY, THOUGH SOMETIMES THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO IS GO ON A BENDER. HANK MOODY STYLE. DO SOME THINGS THAT DON’T MATTER SO THAT YOU CAN REMEMBER THE THINGS THAT DO. 

ON THE MENU TONIGHT? I MET A SLICK COSTA RICAN MAN. I’VE MET MANY OTHERS…BUT THIS ONE STUCK FOR MORE THAN A MOMENT. HE LOOKS EXACTLY THE WAY A DRUG LORD WOULD, AND MAYBE THAT’S WHAT HE IS. 

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF MOTHERS TELL THEIR SONS TO BE KIND. I WONDER IF THEY TELL THEIR SON’S TO BE KIND AS MUCH AS THEY TELL THEIR DAUGHTERS TO BE CAUTIOUS.

I’M DOING THE VERY THING I USED TO GET UPSET WITH BIGHEAD FOR DOING. I’VE DISAPPEARED. I DON’T ANSWER MY PHONE FOR MY FRIENDS AND I’VE BEGUN AVOIDING THE FAMILY SKYPE TALKS. MY MUM AND DAD JUST WORRY, AND SEEING THEM WORRY MAKES ME WORRY TOO.

CALLE NARVAEZ 38

WE ENDED. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? WE ENDED AGAIN, AND THIS TIME I BELIEVE FOR GOOD. WHEN I’M NOT TRYING TO AVOID PICTURING HIM, I TRY TO PICTURE HIM WITH A NORMAL LIFE-WITHOUT ME. WITHOUT THIS AMERICAN WEIGHT AROUND HIS NECK…THE PRESSURE OF ANOTHER PERSON’S DESTINY TIED TO HIS ANKLES. I PICTURE HIM PASSING A YEAR OR FEW AT HIS JOB. I PICTURE HIM DATING BORING GIRLS, FUNNY GIRLS, UGLY GIRLS, PRETTY GIRLS. I PICTURE HIM RUINING HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE WAY HE IS. NOW FAST, SO FAST, FORWARD TEN YEARS…I PICTURE HIM ALONE. DOG, APARTMENT, AND CIGARETTE…WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WE JUST MADE IT WORK.

THEN I PICTURE US TOGETHER. EMPTY BOXES AND CHAMPAGNE. NEW FLAT AND FAT DOG. I PICTURE HIM LAUGHING AT ME BUT WITH KISSES. I PICTURE FALLING ASLEEP HAPPY BUT STRESSED, WORRIED ABOUT MONEY AND TOMORROW’S WORK SCHEDULE…NORMAL THINGS. I SEE MYSELF PAINTING THE WALLS SOMETHING CHEERFUL. I CAN ENVISION EVERY EVENING THE SAME, FALLING ASLEEP WHILE I BEG HIM TO TELL ME A STORY THAT I WON’T MAKE IT THROUGH. I SEE HIM SNORING AND ME KICKING HIM. HE GRINDS HIS TEETH TOO, DRIVES ME BONKERS REALLY. I PICTURE MISSING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND.

AND THEN I PICTURE MYSELF ALONE. THE WAY IT SEEMS TO BE NOW. I SEE MYSELF TEXTING OSCAR. I SEE MYSELF SITTING WITH HIM ON MY BALCONY, TELLING HIM THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE…THAT I CAN’T STAY HERE ANYMORE, AND WOULD HE PLEASE GIVE BIGHEAD THIS BAG OF CANDY FOR ME JUST ONCE? 

PLEASE DON’T EAT IT OSCAR, IT’S FOR HIM. I GOT YOU YOUR OWN BAG.

AND I CAN SEE OSCAR SHAKING HIS HEAD, TELLING ME JOSE DOESN’T DESERVE IT. FIVE YEARS FORWARD AND I’M WORKING. FUCKING UP EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE GOOD SENSE OF A COW TO JUST LIE AND TELL PEOPLE THAT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH JOSE BIGHEAD. I PICTURE MY FRIENDS ALWAYS SEEING ME AS THIS CRUMPLED AND BITTER CREATURE. I SEE MYSELF ON THE COUCH WATCHING A REAL MADRID MATCH AND WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD JUST TRIED A LITTLE HARDER.

TWO DIFFERENT POSSIBILITIES. ONE TOGETHER, AND ONE APART. NO ONE CAN SAY WHICH WILL BE BETTER. 

SEE THE THING IS, I DID TRY EVERYTHING. I DID MY BEST AND MY WORST. I PRAYED TO EVERY GOD I KNOW OF. I TALKED TO YOUR DEAD PARENTS IN MY DRUNKEST MOMENTS AND ASKED THEM FOR THEIR HELP. WHO ELSE COULD THEY POSSIBLY WANT WITH THEIR CHILD? WHO ELSE COULD POSSIBLY TAKE CARE OF YOU BETTER THAN ME? BUT ALL OF THAT BEGGING AND TRYING…IT GOT ME NOWHERE. YOU’RE STILL GONE. AGAIN.

SO WHAT NOW? PACK UP? GIVE UP? GO HOME AND CRY TO MY FAMILY THAT I FAILED? FIND A JOB AND JOIN THE RAT DERBY THAT IS AMERICAN LIFE? TRUTH IS, I WAS NEVER MUCH GOOD AT ANYTHING…WHAT WILL I DO FOR A JOB WHEN I GET BACK? WILL I MISS YOU? WILL YOU MISS ME?

SO I THINK…I THINK ABOUT GOING TO YOU. I KNOW THE ROADS TO YOUR HOUSE BY HEART. I THINK, FIRST MY STREET AND FLAT…CALLE NARVAEZ NUMBER 38…THEN TO YOUR HOUSE…I CAN VISUALIZE EACH STREET IN REAL TIME.

I WAS SO HAPPY. I WAS SO GOD DAMNED HAPPY. WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR THAT TO DISAPPEAR? DID YOU HAVE TO COME BACK? I WAS OK WITHOUT YOU…I WASN’T GOOD BUT I WAS OK. I FEEL UTTERLY CRAZY BUT I CAN’T BE A WRECK. I DON’T HAVE TIME. 

YOU WERE ALWAYS SAYING THAT I WAS 50/50. ONE PART DESTRUCTION AND ONE PART GOODNESS. I CAN MAKE A DECISION AT ANY MOMENT TO BE EITHER ONE…AND HONESTLY RIGHT NOW I WANT TO TEAR THIS WHOLE CITY APART. BRICK BY GOLDEN BRICK, JUST TO WATCH IT BURN.

AND WHILE I DO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, I’D SURE LOVE TO SEE THE REASON FOR THIS NOW…NOT IN YEARS, RIGHT NOW. CAUSE IN THIS MOMENT, I FEEL AWFUL. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, JUST…JUST COME. DON’T CALL, JUST COME. THE REST ARE DETAILS. WE CAN STILL END, BUT JUST NOT LIKE THIS.