CALLE NARVAEZ 38

WE ENDED. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? WE ENDED AGAIN, AND THIS TIME I BELIEVE FOR GOOD. WHEN I’M NOT TRYING TO AVOID PICTURING HIM, I TRY TO PICTURE HIM WITH A NORMAL LIFE-WITHOUT ME. WITHOUT THIS AMERICAN WEIGHT AROUND HIS NECK…THE PRESSURE OF ANOTHER PERSON’S DESTINY TIED TO HIS ANKLES. I PICTURE HIM PASSING A YEAR OR FEW AT HIS JOB. I PICTURE HIM DATING BORING GIRLS, FUNNY GIRLS, UGLY GIRLS, PRETTY GIRLS. I PICTURE HIM RUINING HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE WAY HE IS. NOW FAST, SO FAST, FORWARD TEN YEARS…I PICTURE HIM ALONE. DOG, APARTMENT, AND CIGARETTE…WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WE JUST MADE IT WORK.

THEN I PICTURE US TOGETHER. EMPTY BOXES AND CHAMPAGNE. NEW FLAT AND FAT DOG. I PICTURE HIM LAUGHING AT ME BUT WITH KISSES. I PICTURE FALLING ASLEEP HAPPY BUT STRESSED, WORRIED ABOUT MONEY AND TOMORROW’S WORK SCHEDULE…NORMAL THINGS. I SEE MYSELF PAINTING THE WALLS SOMETHING CHEERFUL. I CAN ENVISION EVERY EVENING THE SAME, FALLING ASLEEP WHILE I BEG HIM TO TELL ME A STORY THAT I WON’T MAKE IT THROUGH. I SEE HIM SNORING AND ME KICKING HIM. HE GRINDS HIS TEETH TOO, DRIVES ME BONKERS REALLY. I PICTURE MISSING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND.

AND THEN I PICTURE MYSELF ALONE. THE WAY IT SEEMS TO BE NOW. I SEE MYSELF TEXTING OSCAR. I SEE MYSELF SITTING WITH HIM ON MY BALCONY, TELLING HIM THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE…THAT I CAN’T STAY HERE ANYMORE, AND WOULD HE PLEASE GIVE BIGHEAD THIS BAG OF CANDY FOR ME JUST ONCE? 

PLEASE DON’T EAT IT OSCAR, IT’S FOR HIM. I GOT YOU YOUR OWN BAG.

AND I CAN SEE OSCAR SHAKING HIS HEAD, TELLING ME JOSE DOESN’T DESERVE IT. FIVE YEARS FORWARD AND I’M WORKING. FUCKING UP EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE THE GOOD SENSE OF A COW TO JUST LIE AND TELL PEOPLE THAT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH JOSE BIGHEAD. I PICTURE MY FRIENDS ALWAYS SEEING ME AS THIS CRUMPLED AND BITTER CREATURE. I SEE MYSELF ON THE COUCH WATCHING A REAL MADRID MATCH AND WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I HAD JUST TRIED A LITTLE HARDER.

TWO DIFFERENT POSSIBILITIES. ONE TOGETHER, AND ONE APART. NO ONE CAN SAY WHICH WILL BE BETTER. 

SEE THE THING IS, I DID TRY EVERYTHING. I DID MY BEST AND MY WORST. I PRAYED TO EVERY GOD I KNOW OF. I TALKED TO YOUR DEAD PARENTS IN MY DRUNKEST MOMENTS AND ASKED THEM FOR THEIR HELP. WHO ELSE COULD THEY POSSIBLY WANT WITH THEIR CHILD? WHO ELSE COULD POSSIBLY TAKE CARE OF YOU BETTER THAN ME? BUT ALL OF THAT BEGGING AND TRYING…IT GOT ME NOWHERE. YOU’RE STILL GONE. AGAIN.

SO WHAT NOW? PACK UP? GIVE UP? GO HOME AND CRY TO MY FAMILY THAT I FAILED? FIND A JOB AND JOIN THE RAT DERBY THAT IS AMERICAN LIFE? TRUTH IS, I WAS NEVER MUCH GOOD AT ANYTHING…WHAT WILL I DO FOR A JOB WHEN I GET BACK? WILL I MISS YOU? WILL YOU MISS ME?

SO I THINK…I THINK ABOUT GOING TO YOU. I KNOW THE ROADS TO YOUR HOUSE BY HEART. I THINK, FIRST MY STREET AND FLAT…CALLE NARVAEZ NUMBER 38…THEN TO YOUR HOUSE…I CAN VISUALIZE EACH STREET IN REAL TIME.

I WAS SO HAPPY. I WAS SO GOD DAMNED HAPPY. WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR THAT TO DISAPPEAR? DID YOU HAVE TO COME BACK? I WAS OK WITHOUT YOU…I WASN’T GOOD BUT I WAS OK. I FEEL UTTERLY CRAZY BUT I CAN’T BE A WRECK. I DON’T HAVE TIME. 

YOU WERE ALWAYS SAYING THAT I WAS 50/50. ONE PART DESTRUCTION AND ONE PART GOODNESS. I CAN MAKE A DECISION AT ANY MOMENT TO BE EITHER ONE…AND HONESTLY RIGHT NOW I WANT TO TEAR THIS WHOLE CITY APART. BRICK BY GOLDEN BRICK, JUST TO WATCH IT BURN.

AND WHILE I DO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, I’D SURE LOVE TO SEE THE REASON FOR THIS NOW…NOT IN YEARS, RIGHT NOW. CAUSE IN THIS MOMENT, I FEEL AWFUL. IF YOU’RE READING THIS, JUST…JUST COME. DON’T CALL, JUST COME. THE REST ARE DETAILS. WE CAN STILL END, BUT JUST NOT LIKE THIS.